Walk On Water

It has been a while since I've posted in here. So for now, I guess I have to update this blog with Britt Nicole's Walk On Water.

The past write-ups were things that could lift up someone's heart, but right now, I can't find a way to write something that I could share to you guys. So, for now, I'll just be pouring out what is in my heart. It would have had been wonderful if I could share only the ups of my life. But there's no helping it. I also have my downs and setback. So for now, please bear with my downs. And please pray with me to be able to get by and pass this test. ;)

For about a week or so now, I had been walking aimlessly and even sourgraping about something that has been placed in my heart. I really had been hoping for that this dream is from God. I really am not sure if what I've heard from people were confirmations that these were from God. I know what I need to do was to earnestly ask God if it really is from Him. But then, my flesh had been battling about it and even disqualifying myself for that dream. That dream was too big and I couldn't even have the faith to just let God do the things that I know He alone can do.  

For about two days or maybe even longer, I had not been my self. I can't even smile to people. I just don't have that same energy I got when I was so fired up. I can't really explain what I had become these past few days, but one thing I know I did. I got doubts of the dream inside my heart instead of holding on to God all the more. I was so afraid that I couldn't get the dream come true. I was afraid that what I am hoping for would be in vain. I was afraid that I'd be hurt in the end of it if it won't turn out the way I'd hope it would.

Moreover, people around me had been growing in their faith exponentially while I was left feeling stagnant. I really had been wondering why do I grow so slow when people had been growing rapidly. I couldn't respond to everything that has been going on around me. I couldn't find where to put myself and what to do. I got wrapped by my insecurities. I really thought that insecurities are only in the physical and everything else except for the spiritual growth. But as I had observed the people around me, I can't stop myself but envy them and feel insecure and inferior for what they had become and how God had shaped their lives to great extents.

I can't figure out what to do and what was worst is that, I caved in into my own world and shut down myself out of the outside world. I tried to open up to the person I look up to as my spiritual mother but everytime I tried to approach her, I just find myself drawing back. And what's worst is that, everytime I had a failed attempt, I tend to draw back even farther from her. I was back at my usual self. I was back at hiding everything from others and not really involving anyone with my personal problems.

And while listening to Britt Nicole's Walk On Water, I just can't stop but cry, for it seemed that God was speaking to me of what was wrong. The song really just showed me how my insecurities and fear of being hurt had crept in inside of me and stopped me from really venturing on what God had placed in my heart and what God had in store for me and even on the strength and capabilities God had installed in me. I got so afraid of failing and even being hurt that I can't see that God has made me for more and that what I just need to do is trust God on what He is about to do. I just needed to trust God. And just like when God told Peter to walk on water,  I also needed to trust God on stepping into the unknown, on stepping into an unsure grounds - grounds on which only God knows.

What am I to lose if I just step out into the water? That I don't even know. I had been too consumed of being hurt that I can't even see what is ahead of me if I just have the faith to walk on water, to walk with God.

As of this moment, while writing this, I am still unsure of whether I'd pass this test. For I am really afraid of the unknown, of opening my life to my spiritual mother and allowing God to move in my life like never before. I am not sure of what will happen to me after this. All I am sure of is that, I want to give it a go. But the problem is, will I have the courage to trust God this time? I wish I could say I do. But I can't. I want to just cave in. But I just can't right?